I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Sponch
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*