I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You Might Also Like
The devil.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG