“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
You Might Also Like
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
these two trucks have the same bed length
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing