I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
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I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.