I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.