I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
You Might Also Like
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]