I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.