I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Anyone want a chair?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.