I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.