I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
You can’t outrun your problems…
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts