@CroweJam

I’m too immature for adultery.

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@Ygrene

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

@Not_From_Troy

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

@JeremyBRoberts

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

@mayygg

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

@Reverend_Scott

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

@TheMamusa

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

@HenpeckedHal

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

@GonePhish

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what