RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I’m too immature for adultery.
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake