@CroweJam

I’m too immature for adultery.

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@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@TheCatWhisprer

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

@chinty88

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

@DrunjAF

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

@iheartgunts

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

@KenTremendous

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”