I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
🤔😂😂
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.