I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
You Might Also Like
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
🤣🤣🤣
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.