I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.