I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us