Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!