Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”