I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Thursday
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?