I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
im 7 sauces long
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.