I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.