I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

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Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.


Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue


Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.


date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob


Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.


Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.


dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito


I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.


It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.


NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope