I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
You Might Also Like
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
(by @ZachWeiner )
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that