@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

@AnniemuMary

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

@MaraWilson

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

@AbbyHasIssues

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

@onion_an

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

@No_tact_here

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….