I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.