I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.