I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
This could be us… but you playing
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work