I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My dog ate my work from home.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story