I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.