I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂