I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*