I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You Might Also Like
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.