I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup