I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.