I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.