I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.