I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
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In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Fiction has to make sense.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
How about daylight saves us for once
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
We have a winner.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”