I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5