I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
mom had nothing to worry about
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.