I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
What the dentist sees
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.