i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
You Might Also Like
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.