I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Everyone’s family
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?