I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
taking June’s advice to heart