I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
You Might Also Like
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.