I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing