I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Safety first
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”