I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint