I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.