Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@EyalTweet

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

@david8hughes

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@Smethanie

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@FeverFlave

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

@dorsalstream

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

@batkaren

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

@stephenjmolloy

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

@Cornjerker78

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

@mommywhitfield

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*