@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

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@robin_991

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@joefrog1

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

@Smooheed

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

@OtherDanOBrien

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

@skedaddle74

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

@AmericanGent69

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises