I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart