I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
What do you hear?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Happens to everyone.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
January has been Januweary
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.