I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER