I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
WTF
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
But that’s none of my business
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail