I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I am crying
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome