I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
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If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Miscakes
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
bout dat hot dog summer
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty